Song of the Day: You Put A Smile On My Face

Put a smile on your face today and watch this video :)

I survived ...... just

I've had an eventful few weeks, I must say. My 29th birthday which I wasn't going to celebrate due to an inmpending dissertation dealine went well with friends and family breaking bread with me.

The dissertation nearly sending me into meltdown. I finished it and it was submitted earlier than the Friday deadline. Relief and tiredness.

Thinking about a change of job to be able to get my weekends back with my family. Planning holidays abroad to see my friends and to get a break.

Realising the guy I thought was someone I would explore the possibility of chilling with ended up not being that once the smoke cleared.

I even won a few quid on the Lottery and tickets to Kojos Comedy Funhouse, which was a nice evening out. so its been a strange and mixed few weeks a cliched emotional rollercoaster if you will.

The end of this journey was soured by one stupid individual who took it on himself to racially abuse me circa 1972 style yesterday which was more of a surprise than anything. But for some reason, I was steered from lashing back at him. I think the man upstairs must have pulled me away from that as I am usually the first to retaliate.

what I did take away from that though was that I am stronger than I thought. The past few weeks in fact have. I can cope with high pressure situations (albeit I did get really freaked out a few days before hand in) but I survived and it wasnt as bad as I thought at the time. Something I will try and remember when I face my next hurdle which is inevitably round the corner.

A funny thing happened on the way to Croydon today ...

I'm walking down my road in sunny East Croydon, stunnas on, hair and nails freshly did from my luxury relaxation day yesterday (my birthday) breathing in some fresh air as I spent a few hours looking at Bernie (my macbook) while working on my dissertation. 

Passed one of my neighbours, said hello politely smilled then looked to my right ..... Now I'm not usually a look-through-windows kinda girl, but I had to take a look again. 

The homeowner has a widescreen television in full view as their curtains were wide open, I'm assuming to let the light in. I squinted and my first thoughts were confirmed ..... they were watching a porn film. Not only was it a porn film, in full view on a suburban road in South London, it looked like it was one starring a wrinkly older woman with a very scarily large Black man. Yikes! 

The funny thing is, my neighbour who I smiled at a few seconds (felt like hours) before realised I was standing with an open mouth in shock then went to ask me what I was looking at, followed my line of sight, and then gasped in shock. We both stood there for a few seconds speechless.

I looked at him, and he at me - we exchanged a nod and walked off in different directions. Can't wait to see my neighbour again ......... er, maybe not! :s

Laaaaaid back ......

Sticking the iPod in my ears and playing my "Summertime" playlist, I set off.

First tune to play - Ice Cube - It Was A Good Day.  

And do ya know what? It really was! 

Went and saw my friend and spent the day with her, then made it up to South Bank to kick back for a while and watched the skateboarders and the BMX guys working up a sweat with  some pretty cool tricks and SBs on their feet although I didn't manage to catch them on film. Pissed.

I'm going to enjoy this week of Summer as at this point we're never certain in the UK when this will happen again, I mean our Summer was in April last year. All two weeks of it.

So while you can, enjoy the sun and make the most of the weather my beautiful people.

Get the track here (ignore the nekkidness) x

Sun bun up my eye oh why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else?

I've been proper lax with my posting for months now, and I apologise, uni was a little mad.

Have always had time to find myself on Facebook, catching up with friends I haven't seen in time and reading other blogs though, so clearly not as busy as I thought! :s

Pleased to say that I have been writing loads recently and with the two trips I've managed to do already in the past five months, have also taken lots of photos which I will have to start documenting and writing about on here, providing the weather we are having at the moment doesn't go to my head and I find myself sitting in the park and writing or taking photos randomly like I did yesterday.

Gonna go and check out the exhibition in Waterloo that Banksy has done and will hopefully be good.

Anyway, mi garn listening to Natty and I'm proper skinnin teet. stay blessed x

If music be the food of love...

... I want to be in love forever!

It’s amazing how music can have such an impact on a person’s life. I mean, I’ve always loved music of all types from as long as I can remember and my CD collection reflects this.

I remember being looked on as being really weird at secondary school and college as Green Day, Skunk Anansie, Prodigy, Republica, No Doubt were amongst my Usher, Donnell Jones, Montell Jordan, Jodeci etc. I have never conformed I guess to the stereotype of a young black female from South London and for all the grief I got I’m quite proud.

The reason I started writing this blog was really because the past few weeks have not been the happiest for me for many reasons, and while at work yesterday listening to music as I stared at my computer screen for 6 hours Kanye West’s “We Major” came on and for those three minutes I felt so relaxed for the first time in ages. So I played it on repeat for most of the day.

It is a tad obsessive when I realise how long it was on, but that’s the nature of music. From hunting down export CDs for certain mixes in my teens or buying around £100 a week in albums, to present day where I’m torrenting like my life depends on it finding Talib’s album as I’ve been waiting ages for it, my life is centered around music. While you guys are out there having lives.

Classical music or Leela James to relax me, to jungle/drum and bass for hyping me up before a night out with my friends, music shapes my life. And for all it’s faults and it’s 50 Cents of this world, I wouldn’t change it one bit!

Melancholy

Melancholy is one of those words that sound like its’ meaning. One of those words that have been buzzing around my head for as long as I’ve been feeling that way.

In fact I can’t remember a day that has gone by where I haven’t felt like that. The usual words of “snap out of it” or “pull yourself together” bandied around like I intentionally want to be this way. If I could be “normal” or turn off whatever is controlling my emotions I would have done so a long time ago, don’t you think?

Yes, I’m crazy. Not the scientific definition by a long shot, but then again; I’m not a scientist. That’s the first time I’ve typed that. I managed to tell a couple of my peeps and that in itself was tough as you are not sure if they’ll react funny, or if you’ll need to comfort them as you tell them, and that is not the time you feel like being there for someone else, as selfish as that sounds. Generally I’m not selfish, in fact I do try my hardest to be there any time a friend needs me to be and sometimes when they don’t. But for once I need to not do that and concentrate on making myself happy. Not that it’s working. But I guess the only thing you can do as they say is to try.

This is so full of clichés, but I guess a cliché is something that is true. And everything I’ve said thus far is the truth. Not much I can do then really, is there? But back onto the crazy thing. I am crazy. Not in the sense of what my friends call me all the time as I’m a bit of a clown. More not wanting to get out of bed, wondering why I’m here on this Earth, not feeling as if I deserve to be here type of crazy. Melancholy. I’ve always loved that word, even before I became crazy, just as it’s one of those words where you know exactly where you stand. No bull shit. Like the word shank which up until a matter of weeks ago, I didn’t even know what it meant. It’s not a nice word, don’t get it twisted, it sounds like it is. Not very nice. I mean before I knew what it meant, I most certainly would not have stuck around had someone came at me saying it.

To a certain extent I still have not fully gotten my head around the whole thing. (yes, I can see the irony in that sentence, I’m depressed; not stupid.) And haven’t even really told anyone, not sure if that’s because of the stigma attached or if it’s the fact I don’t want all the sympathy. I had that before and to be honest it can be more overwhelming than whatever you are going through at that time. Those that do know have been great at knowing when to shake me out of it and when I need to be by myself and that’s not a dig at those that don’t know as I’m sure some of you would also be just as spot on judging my mood etc. I can’t please everyone all the time. Not even sure why I’m writing this at the moment nor sure if it will ever be seen by anyone when I get the urge to write I have to go with the flow as they say or for some reason it bounces around in my head until I do; a bit like that guy in Heroes who paints (minus the heroin thankfully.) My writing has been somewhat a blessing and a curse, but I would not change it as it does help me map out my thoughts and feelings and I can also tell people things I usually couldn’t say out loud. Even if it hasn’t had the desired effect on the person you write to, as has happened to me so many times I’ve given up counting, at least they know what I think so there’s no argument of me not opening up or whatever. For instance, only a matter of days ago I wrote something and gave it someone. They thanked me for the kind words and that was it. I was a little annoyed to say the least as I was expecting a response, but I then had to remember that they are like me in the sense that they won’t outright engage in a conversation of that nature. So I’m currently in the dark. Not a great deal I can do about that. Pissed.

If you are reading this and you have trouble talking, then maybe you should try writing whenever you need to get something out – maybe it could help you too. I hit a really low point and let it consume me for a long time before I got help, all I’ll say to you is if you feel that way not to let it go on for too long, the chance is you have some really good people around you like I have. Don’t be afraid to say something as you don’t have to feel like there’s no hope for you, because there is. Anyway, been gabbing on making not a great of sense for far too long again, so I’m going to quit now. I love y’all very much.