I survived ...... just

I've had an eventful few weeks, I must say. My 29th birthday which I wasn't going to celebrate due to an inmpending dissertation dealine went well with friends and family breaking bread with me.

The dissertation nearly sending me into meltdown. I finished it and it was submitted earlier than the Friday deadline. Relief and tiredness.

Thinking about a change of job to be able to get my weekends back with my family. Planning holidays abroad to see my friends and to get a break.

Realising the guy I thought was someone I would explore the possibility of chilling with ended up not being that once the smoke cleared.

I even won a few quid on the Lottery and tickets to Kojos Comedy Funhouse, which was a nice evening out. so its been a strange and mixed few weeks a cliched emotional rollercoaster if you will.

The end of this journey was soured by one stupid individual who took it on himself to racially abuse me circa 1972 style yesterday which was more of a surprise than anything. But for some reason, I was steered from lashing back at him. I think the man upstairs must have pulled me away from that as I am usually the first to retaliate.

what I did take away from that though was that I am stronger than I thought. The past few weeks in fact have. I can cope with high pressure situations (albeit I did get really freaked out a few days before hand in) but I survived and it wasnt as bad as I thought at the time. Something I will try and remember when I face my next hurdle which is inevitably round the corner.

..... And so the end is near, and I face my final curtain .......

So, the last few weeks in my degree and I really am looking forward to the finish although I really do not think I am passing, and if I do - the classification isn't going to be a decent one.

Have had the most stress to deal with at home which has basically impacted on any work I have done. I am one for staying positive, but I am also one for keeping it real as it were. That being said, I now want to grab whatever they give me and run the hell out of that flipping building.

What's in store for me when I do leave? Well, job hunting as we speak for a Mon to Fri as I cannot do weekends anymore where I am, I have neglected lil man for ages, and am spending most of my weekend dropping him off so I can work and then not seeing much of him during the week as I'm either at uni or work, picking him and only having two hours before bed.

It's difficult to really explain, but by me trying to improve our life, it has in a way made our life worse, and I only want this to be a temporary measure rather than a permanent one.

The personal life has been somewhat of a joke of late also. I'm guessing my choice of people is the main reason. Those charismatic men always seem to come with some sort of baggage, or aren't good with the commitment thing; bullshit like "I'm not ready" when they need to come correct with "I wanna f*ck every girl I can without getting caught, do you want in? Oh, but don't tell anyone." I'm guessing these aren't the right people I need to be around. Karma is a bitch though, I just hope I get to see when she does knock on their door.

Many changes and transitions in 2009, with many more to come, but as always I will get what I need to achieved, even if it means a change in direction. My writing is coming on and will be back on my photography soon so I can't wait for that. Creativity is my drive and helps keep me [relatively] sane out here.

As I approach my 29th birthday, I am actually looking forward to it. I don't want to be in my early 20s again I think until you get to 25+ you don't quite get what I mean when I say that you're comfortable in your skin, you don't look for the approval of others so much (I can hear people shouting at me - wait 'til you hit 25, it's a different level) and you have put down a layer on top of those foundations you put down at 20/21 to get your life, career and self into a place you want to be in.

Regardless of if I do pass (or not) I know that I did the best I could with the circumstances I am/was in. I wasn't out every night and I have to put my family first. I will take shit on the chin and get on and still achieve what I want to.

Black clouds circling my head

Right now I'm feeling kinda strange and I'm not even sure where it's come from. I've been doing really well the past few months despite being put through the wringer back in June and having to deal with what can only be describes as something horrific.

I don't know if I've basically just come out of Auto-pilot and now dealing with it, the shitty weather that's now upon us which always depresses me, the pressure piling on in regards to my final year at University, moving into a new home or all of the above. 

All I know is it is becoming increasingly difficult to listen to everyone else tell me to hold my head up, it'll be okay or to even listen to people with their problems which sounds really selfish. But as the days go on, Im finding it so hard to even care. 

I've even found myself in a situation I have avoided for what I think is a year or so of me trying to stay out of for fear or complications out of my control. But no, because I've let my guard slip I'm now right where I didn't want to be and the damn vicious circle isn't letting me off.

None of this makes sense to you, maybe because I can't make sense of it myself. All I know that if this continues, I don't know if I'll be here anymore. 

Melancholy

Melancholy is one of those words that sound like its’ meaning. One of those words that have been buzzing around my head for as long as I’ve been feeling that way.

In fact I can’t remember a day that has gone by where I haven’t felt like that. The usual words of “snap out of it” or “pull yourself together” bandied around like I intentionally want to be this way. If I could be “normal” or turn off whatever is controlling my emotions I would have done so a long time ago, don’t you think?

Yes, I’m crazy. Not the scientific definition by a long shot, but then again; I’m not a scientist. That’s the first time I’ve typed that. I managed to tell a couple of my peeps and that in itself was tough as you are not sure if they’ll react funny, or if you’ll need to comfort them as you tell them, and that is not the time you feel like being there for someone else, as selfish as that sounds. Generally I’m not selfish, in fact I do try my hardest to be there any time a friend needs me to be and sometimes when they don’t. But for once I need to not do that and concentrate on making myself happy. Not that it’s working. But I guess the only thing you can do as they say is to try.

This is so full of clichés, but I guess a cliché is something that is true. And everything I’ve said thus far is the truth. Not much I can do then really, is there? But back onto the crazy thing. I am crazy. Not in the sense of what my friends call me all the time as I’m a bit of a clown. More not wanting to get out of bed, wondering why I’m here on this Earth, not feeling as if I deserve to be here type of crazy. Melancholy. I’ve always loved that word, even before I became crazy, just as it’s one of those words where you know exactly where you stand. No bull shit. Like the word shank which up until a matter of weeks ago, I didn’t even know what it meant. It’s not a nice word, don’t get it twisted, it sounds like it is. Not very nice. I mean before I knew what it meant, I most certainly would not have stuck around had someone came at me saying it.

To a certain extent I still have not fully gotten my head around the whole thing. (yes, I can see the irony in that sentence, I’m depressed; not stupid.) And haven’t even really told anyone, not sure if that’s because of the stigma attached or if it’s the fact I don’t want all the sympathy. I had that before and to be honest it can be more overwhelming than whatever you are going through at that time. Those that do know have been great at knowing when to shake me out of it and when I need to be by myself and that’s not a dig at those that don’t know as I’m sure some of you would also be just as spot on judging my mood etc. I can’t please everyone all the time. Not even sure why I’m writing this at the moment nor sure if it will ever be seen by anyone when I get the urge to write I have to go with the flow as they say or for some reason it bounces around in my head until I do; a bit like that guy in Heroes who paints (minus the heroin thankfully.) My writing has been somewhat a blessing and a curse, but I would not change it as it does help me map out my thoughts and feelings and I can also tell people things I usually couldn’t say out loud. Even if it hasn’t had the desired effect on the person you write to, as has happened to me so many times I’ve given up counting, at least they know what I think so there’s no argument of me not opening up or whatever. For instance, only a matter of days ago I wrote something and gave it someone. They thanked me for the kind words and that was it. I was a little annoyed to say the least as I was expecting a response, but I then had to remember that they are like me in the sense that they won’t outright engage in a conversation of that nature. So I’m currently in the dark. Not a great deal I can do about that. Pissed.

If you are reading this and you have trouble talking, then maybe you should try writing whenever you need to get something out – maybe it could help you too. I hit a really low point and let it consume me for a long time before I got help, all I’ll say to you is if you feel that way not to let it go on for too long, the chance is you have some really good people around you like I have. Don’t be afraid to say something as you don’t have to feel like there’s no hope for you, because there is. Anyway, been gabbing on making not a great of sense for far too long again, so I’m going to quit now. I love y’all very much.