What a week. Fond farewell to two great influences .....

Man I don't even know where to begin. Like you, I have been utterly shocked and stunned at the recent events of the past week.

Already at home depressed with a bad ankle, signed off for what seems like an eternity from work. Actually missing work, then I get the flu. (I'm hearing the swine flu jokes as I type) So by the time Thursday arrives, I'm already at my wits' end.

I hear about the tragic passing of Farrah Fawcett, who was a beautiful woman who finally lost her battle against cancer, which I think was really sad. She was a fighter and I pay the utmost respect to her and her family.

Then there is news on Twitter that TMZ are outside MJ's home as he's been taken ill with a suspected heart attack. My first thoughts for five minutes were "Nah, he'll be okay" it is then reported that he wasn't breathing before the ambulance got to his home, and knowing how these things are with sadly knowing people who have had heart attacks that this did not bode well at all and then realised he may not make it. As an optimist, I am also a realist which does piss people off.

That whole time, I'm trying to talk myself round and think that I'm being overly negative. This doesn't help when the more respected news broadcasters are not giving any information, denying or confirming anything. My heart beats faster as time goes on as the longer you don't hear anything, the worse the outcome usually is.

Then all of a sudden ALL of the broadcasters one by one confirm my suspicion (that word looks wrong?) was correct. And my heart sank. I know many people will think "You didn't even know him" and yes, they are more than correct and right for pulling me up for this, but in my own way, I DID know him. And so did you. I even shed a few tears and do not worry about how that is seen by anyone, as it was right for me.

From as long as I can remember much like a lot of you reading this, I have heard Michael's music. Jackson Five brought the funk. Michael's young voice sounded like a mature man's. So much soul for someone so young who had their whole life ahead of them. Ben always brought a tear to my eye and a lump in my throat and always will. One day in your life has taken on a whole new meaning now. Blame it on the Boogie is just too good, I was at work recently making my own entertainment to it, with the boys thinking I was crazy, but not caring one iota. Cos I was in the moment.

Everyone has their own dance to I want you Back when it comes on in the shop, bar, or club. Off The Wall was just for me brilliant. I didn't get to listen to the whole album until an early teen, but it is something that I still listen to now and find something new to be in wonder at. Billie Jean is one of my favourite tracks of all time. Period. The birth of the Moonwalk. Nuff said. I remember Trevor McDonald reporting it on the Ten O'Clock news that I was allowed to stay up and watch them show it.
The next few days I tried to master it, and fell over repeatedly trying to get it right. Everyone has a moonwalk story.

Thriller. Learning the dance as a kid. Laughing when MJ's face changed and he looked like a zombie. Every single time. To this day. Doing the dance break at college for our Performing Arts end of year show. My son learning it now as he thinks its one of the best dance routines, ever.

Bad. Now come on. I thought I was bad anytime that tune came on. the face, the attitude, the moves. If you say you didn't then you're a liar. The joke is a couple months ago I used to have a race with lil man and everytime I won, I got to the finishing point, grab my crotch (sorry Mum) thrust then kick my foot before Moonwalking over the finish line. My nine year old suddenly turns into Mike when Bad comes on and he obviously wasn't around in that era. Hello.

Smooth Criminal is another of my all time MJ tracks. *smh* the lean. I don't even have to tell you how groundbreaking that was. And still is. The stairs coming down and him thrusting on it as it fell to the ground. the epic 10 minute video. Another exclusive on Top of the Pops. There was no MTV exclusives in those days. EVERYTHING was premiered on TOTP. My son doesnt even really know about TOTP. Kudos to that show as it was another phenomenon of our generation.

Black or White. Unforgettable rock rifts.

I could spend the next few DAYS going through his catalogue but I'm sure you know all of it and love it equally. My head still cannot get around the wealth of music - some of which is over 30 years old now that it is still fresh and exciting enough that our children are listening and taking on board and LOVING. How can that happen? Its only since growing up that in my teens I learnt the actual words of half of his songs. I put this down to 1. being too excited and into the music I sang like most children do what I thought MJ was singing (lol) and waiting for the 'hee hees' and 'ow's' and 2. his falsetto being at times indescriptive. Raggo. I love the guy, but at times I didn't understand him. (I love you Michael lol)

Am not going to sit her like many people have and spout foolishness about watching this or that show, cos I didn't. I was born in 1980 and those American shows/awards did not air here in the UK. We didn't have any satellite until the 90s. And it was only then that I got to see these things and then catch up on things I missed out as a kid. There was no YouTube, Google et al them times, yuh si mi. Yeah, I'm old but I don't care. I am old enough to have seen the videos and hear the songs on the radio first hand and for that I'm truly grateful.

None of this can truly encapsulate how I feel as loss is indescribable.

I'm just sad. I'm sad that he left unexpectedly, but like all greats no time would be any better. I'm sad that he was such a troubled soul from such an early age. I'm sad that it now transpires Jordy Chandler waited until Michael's passing to come clean about lying all those years ago, toppling that first domino that culminated in the end result of Michael's death late Thursday night. I won't tarnish this blog by saying anymore than that at the moment. I'm most of all sad that you are all sad.

I cannot stand how the likes of 50 Cent had a whole mixtape within hours. Or Diddy and the bag of people on the tribute track had a track down in less than 24 hours. Fine, they aren't making any money but honestly if say Heaven forbid one of your relatives died and someone had say arranged the funeral for you or asked you about funeral arrangements within 24 hours of them passing, what would you do? I felt that strongly about it. Not asking you to agree or disagree with me, this is my opinion.

No matter how much the stars of today deny it, their whole style IS Mike. From the way that they sing right down to their dance routines. There is no getting away from Mike's presence. He shaped the face of popular music forever.

I have decided that I will pick myself up mentally and not be sad anymore. With all his quirks, Michael Joseph Jackson strived for so long to make the world smile and dance, one person at a time. There are people in the depths of a jungle, or in a village in Africa, the amazon, even in a desert. Go and ask them who the King of Pop is and you KNOW they will look back at you and tell you 'Michael Jackson' So continue as you have to turn off the television filled with negativity and turn on your stereos, computers and blast out your tribute to an amazing man who had such a big heart. It was that heart in the end that finally took him. He died of a broken heart.

I wish all of you well at this time and hope that you can come to some coping mechanism. I would love to go somewhere public on his birthday and just dance. What do you think?

You know by now I have one quote I use for everything and I'm gonna bring out out again as I feel it is fitting. "Give light and the darkness will disappear itself."


Farrah please now rest in peace, you are now free of pain and heartache. Much love to your family, friends and fans.

Michael, I truly do hope that you find peace and realise how much you impacted on the lives of millions. Your life was not in vain, and as my son said "your music will live on" You made the World dance, and for that I am eternally grateful.

My thoughts and prayers go out to his family, friends and fans. x


www.michaeljackson.com

www.farrahfawcett.us

Man, this had me tripping for a second

Will.I.Am doing something so good and remembers his Mum (I'm English so I'm spelling it the correct way :p). All that money and he is humble to remember his roots and help others. Nice.

..... And so the end is near, and I face my final curtain .......

So, the last few weeks in my degree and I really am looking forward to the finish although I really do not think I am passing, and if I do - the classification isn't going to be a decent one.

Have had the most stress to deal with at home which has basically impacted on any work I have done. I am one for staying positive, but I am also one for keeping it real as it were. That being said, I now want to grab whatever they give me and run the hell out of that flipping building.

What's in store for me when I do leave? Well, job hunting as we speak for a Mon to Fri as I cannot do weekends anymore where I am, I have neglected lil man for ages, and am spending most of my weekend dropping him off so I can work and then not seeing much of him during the week as I'm either at uni or work, picking him and only having two hours before bed.

It's difficult to really explain, but by me trying to improve our life, it has in a way made our life worse, and I only want this to be a temporary measure rather than a permanent one.

The personal life has been somewhat of a joke of late also. I'm guessing my choice of people is the main reason. Those charismatic men always seem to come with some sort of baggage, or aren't good with the commitment thing; bullshit like "I'm not ready" when they need to come correct with "I wanna f*ck every girl I can without getting caught, do you want in? Oh, but don't tell anyone." I'm guessing these aren't the right people I need to be around. Karma is a bitch though, I just hope I get to see when she does knock on their door.

Many changes and transitions in 2009, with many more to come, but as always I will get what I need to achieved, even if it means a change in direction. My writing is coming on and will be back on my photography soon so I can't wait for that. Creativity is my drive and helps keep me [relatively] sane out here.

As I approach my 29th birthday, I am actually looking forward to it. I don't want to be in my early 20s again I think until you get to 25+ you don't quite get what I mean when I say that you're comfortable in your skin, you don't look for the approval of others so much (I can hear people shouting at me - wait 'til you hit 25, it's a different level) and you have put down a layer on top of those foundations you put down at 20/21 to get your life, career and self into a place you want to be in.

Regardless of if I do pass (or not) I know that I did the best I could with the circumstances I am/was in. I wasn't out every night and I have to put my family first. I will take shit on the chin and get on and still achieve what I want to.

Bratz, tweenagers, Jordan and g-strings. Not a good look!

I've been compelled to write this blog after speaking to my big brother David and from a debate that arose because of it.

After a bitter battle in the courts between the makers of Bratz and Mattel (who own and make Barbie their rival) it was ruled that the designer of Brats worked for Mattel at the time, so the ownership is with Mattel. Because of this, they have been taken off the shelves.

As Dave said, Bratz outsold Barbie for a number of years, so it was sour grapes.

To me, it is a good thing that they have been taken off the shelves and there is debate surrounding this as I personally think that these dolls aren't something I'd buy for my friends children, nor do I think they're necessarily a positive thing.

I understand they promote a positive message in terms of young girls/women being independent and forward thinking. No problem with this. My problem is with the way that because of the dress code of the characters and those of similar characters and public figures it is acceptable to put young girls as young as three in mini skirts and knee high boots with heels (not the ugg style boot, I mean the ones with heels)

I also do NOT agree with things like g-strings for children, provocative slogans on t-shirts on the bottom are aof trousers and skirts and things of this nature.

Our young women have enough forces out there that force them to grow up quicker, become sexual objects and such like all to early without making it worse by dressing a 3/4/5 year old child in a mini skirt, a t-shirt with 'sexy' on and her strutting around like a Pussycat Doll in knee high heeled boots. Am I missing something? Shouldn't children be children? Shouldn't they been seen as children and not sexy? Don't we have enough problems with paedophiles trying to groom our children without advertising them?

My other peeve today is the role model debate. I believe that as parents we need to be the most influential people in our childrens' lives and be their main role model. Of course people in the public eye are automatically seen as role models also, but if we provide our kids with a proper attitude, the likes of Kate Moss snorting cocaine and subsequently envigorating her lagging career off the back of it would then not be put on pedestals.

People are quick to blame teenage parents, but as I've seen myself and through people around me, it's not necessarily a teenage parent; more wotless parents that do not care about their children or have parenting skills in order to bring their children up to be decent people. As a person who was pregnant at 19 and had my son at 20 so are sometimes labelled a teenage parent I take great offence to the generalisations that are branded about. I do not pretend to be the best mother in the Worl, but damnit I am trying.

Just from having family working in the care system and friends who have gone through the system or know of people that have, it is down to unwanted pregnancies and social factors such as poverty, drugs, alcohol that are the causes for children growing up without love and affection.

Yes, we should be instilling confidence in our young women so that they grow up with less hang ups about their bodies and love themselves, but there is a thin line between being a confident girl and an object of deisre for the opposite sex.

Hanging around in dark tunnels CAN acutally be good

I managed to get to see the CANS festival this morning, and decided to ignore all the hype and negative press that has surrounded it and went with an open mind, eyes and my cam and I have to say that I loved it.

Yes, you could argue that it has all been done before and it wasn't original, or even childish as I've read but to me it was an escape. walk from the hustle and bustle from the commuters and tourists on York Road to near silence and you are greeted with some of the most beautiful colours and textures I have seen together in one place.

It took me over an hour to walk from the York Road end out to the Marsh, as there is so much to see and so much detail. It was nice as strangers stood and talked for ages about their experience and it was nice to share that with them.

I urge you to go and have a look if you can before Eurostar paint over it or something equally as stupid.

I took some photographs on my little digi camera and you can view them here.