A fond farewell to a place called Home

I've been meaning to write this for a good while now, not quite sure why it's taken me this long.

My birthday was a little strange for me this year. Not in the sense that my age affected me or anything like that. In fact although I joke that I'm 21 for the past 8 years, as I know I am 29 and I don't look anything like it. In fact, I love the fact that I am 30 next year.

It was strange for me as my Mum handed back to the keys to a home that I lived in for 21 years. Almost to the day. That home holds many memories for me, most of which were great. I remember going to have a look at the place and liking it, and realising that after a time in mine and my sisters' lives which was just difficult. I'm not sure how sis remembers things, but for a while it was not plain sailing.

That house to me symbolises a struggle to get basic things for us to live, but at the same time relief as I felt my Mum relax and become her happy self again. We shared a room for a few weeks and that was one of my fondest memories of the flat. It is a symbol of growing up, emancipation from a turbulent childhoot before we moved in as well as fond memories of many celebrations and laughter. If you came to my home you would know about the Happy Birthday banner that was up for nine years without a break or the Laura/kangaroo picture on her door which makes me smile now as that's the sort of crazy vibe we had in that place.

Sharing a room with my sister for a couple years until Mum had enough of my tantrums and fights with sis and separated us.

I did shed a tear when I was there for the last time, and I did have to be ruthless with leaving but I will always treasure those bricks and mortar forever. For three women, and for a time a small boy it was our home and symbolised love and comfort.

I survived ...... just

I've had an eventful few weeks, I must say. My 29th birthday which I wasn't going to celebrate due to an inmpending dissertation dealine went well with friends and family breaking bread with me.

The dissertation nearly sending me into meltdown. I finished it and it was submitted earlier than the Friday deadline. Relief and tiredness.

Thinking about a change of job to be able to get my weekends back with my family. Planning holidays abroad to see my friends and to get a break.

Realising the guy I thought was someone I would explore the possibility of chilling with ended up not being that once the smoke cleared.

I even won a few quid on the Lottery and tickets to Kojos Comedy Funhouse, which was a nice evening out. so its been a strange and mixed few weeks a cliched emotional rollercoaster if you will.

The end of this journey was soured by one stupid individual who took it on himself to racially abuse me circa 1972 style yesterday which was more of a surprise than anything. But for some reason, I was steered from lashing back at him. I think the man upstairs must have pulled me away from that as I am usually the first to retaliate.

what I did take away from that though was that I am stronger than I thought. The past few weeks in fact have. I can cope with high pressure situations (albeit I did get really freaked out a few days before hand in) but I survived and it wasnt as bad as I thought at the time. Something I will try and remember when I face my next hurdle which is inevitably round the corner.

..... And so the end is near, and I face my final curtain .......

So, the last few weeks in my degree and I really am looking forward to the finish although I really do not think I am passing, and if I do - the classification isn't going to be a decent one.

Have had the most stress to deal with at home which has basically impacted on any work I have done. I am one for staying positive, but I am also one for keeping it real as it were. That being said, I now want to grab whatever they give me and run the hell out of that flipping building.

What's in store for me when I do leave? Well, job hunting as we speak for a Mon to Fri as I cannot do weekends anymore where I am, I have neglected lil man for ages, and am spending most of my weekend dropping him off so I can work and then not seeing much of him during the week as I'm either at uni or work, picking him and only having two hours before bed.

It's difficult to really explain, but by me trying to improve our life, it has in a way made our life worse, and I only want this to be a temporary measure rather than a permanent one.

The personal life has been somewhat of a joke of late also. I'm guessing my choice of people is the main reason. Those charismatic men always seem to come with some sort of baggage, or aren't good with the commitment thing; bullshit like "I'm not ready" when they need to come correct with "I wanna f*ck every girl I can without getting caught, do you want in? Oh, but don't tell anyone." I'm guessing these aren't the right people I need to be around. Karma is a bitch though, I just hope I get to see when she does knock on their door.

Many changes and transitions in 2009, with many more to come, but as always I will get what I need to achieved, even if it means a change in direction. My writing is coming on and will be back on my photography soon so I can't wait for that. Creativity is my drive and helps keep me [relatively] sane out here.

As I approach my 29th birthday, I am actually looking forward to it. I don't want to be in my early 20s again I think until you get to 25+ you don't quite get what I mean when I say that you're comfortable in your skin, you don't look for the approval of others so much (I can hear people shouting at me - wait 'til you hit 25, it's a different level) and you have put down a layer on top of those foundations you put down at 20/21 to get your life, career and self into a place you want to be in.

Regardless of if I do pass (or not) I know that I did the best I could with the circumstances I am/was in. I wasn't out every night and I have to put my family first. I will take shit on the chin and get on and still achieve what I want to.