I survived ...... just

I've had an eventful few weeks, I must say. My 29th birthday which I wasn't going to celebrate due to an inmpending dissertation dealine went well with friends and family breaking bread with me.

The dissertation nearly sending me into meltdown. I finished it and it was submitted earlier than the Friday deadline. Relief and tiredness.

Thinking about a change of job to be able to get my weekends back with my family. Planning holidays abroad to see my friends and to get a break.

Realising the guy I thought was someone I would explore the possibility of chilling with ended up not being that once the smoke cleared.

I even won a few quid on the Lottery and tickets to Kojos Comedy Funhouse, which was a nice evening out. so its been a strange and mixed few weeks a cliched emotional rollercoaster if you will.

The end of this journey was soured by one stupid individual who took it on himself to racially abuse me circa 1972 style yesterday which was more of a surprise than anything. But for some reason, I was steered from lashing back at him. I think the man upstairs must have pulled me away from that as I am usually the first to retaliate.

what I did take away from that though was that I am stronger than I thought. The past few weeks in fact have. I can cope with high pressure situations (albeit I did get really freaked out a few days before hand in) but I survived and it wasnt as bad as I thought at the time. Something I will try and remember when I face my next hurdle which is inevitably round the corner.

..... And so the end is near, and I face my final curtain .......

So, the last few weeks in my degree and I really am looking forward to the finish although I really do not think I am passing, and if I do - the classification isn't going to be a decent one.

Have had the most stress to deal with at home which has basically impacted on any work I have done. I am one for staying positive, but I am also one for keeping it real as it were. That being said, I now want to grab whatever they give me and run the hell out of that flipping building.

What's in store for me when I do leave? Well, job hunting as we speak for a Mon to Fri as I cannot do weekends anymore where I am, I have neglected lil man for ages, and am spending most of my weekend dropping him off so I can work and then not seeing much of him during the week as I'm either at uni or work, picking him and only having two hours before bed.

It's difficult to really explain, but by me trying to improve our life, it has in a way made our life worse, and I only want this to be a temporary measure rather than a permanent one.

The personal life has been somewhat of a joke of late also. I'm guessing my choice of people is the main reason. Those charismatic men always seem to come with some sort of baggage, or aren't good with the commitment thing; bullshit like "I'm not ready" when they need to come correct with "I wanna f*ck every girl I can without getting caught, do you want in? Oh, but don't tell anyone." I'm guessing these aren't the right people I need to be around. Karma is a bitch though, I just hope I get to see when she does knock on their door.

Many changes and transitions in 2009, with many more to come, but as always I will get what I need to achieved, even if it means a change in direction. My writing is coming on and will be back on my photography soon so I can't wait for that. Creativity is my drive and helps keep me [relatively] sane out here.

As I approach my 29th birthday, I am actually looking forward to it. I don't want to be in my early 20s again I think until you get to 25+ you don't quite get what I mean when I say that you're comfortable in your skin, you don't look for the approval of others so much (I can hear people shouting at me - wait 'til you hit 25, it's a different level) and you have put down a layer on top of those foundations you put down at 20/21 to get your life, career and self into a place you want to be in.

Regardless of if I do pass (or not) I know that I did the best I could with the circumstances I am/was in. I wasn't out every night and I have to put my family first. I will take shit on the chin and get on and still achieve what I want to.

Out with the old …. In with the new …. Saying goodbye to 2007 and welcoming in 08

I must say that I'm not a person that's usually into making changes once a year, more as and when things happen so by the time the New Year approaches, I'm already making changes or have implemented them. But this past 12 months have been dismal to say the least. But despite everything that has gone on, I have to say that I'll look back on the year 2007 as one that has shaped my thoughts and how I will approach life generally. All of this is looked on with optimism as well.

I said goodbye to two great people in my life, and have had many decisions taken out of my hands as well as parting company with people. But all of these things have I feel made me have to stand up and think about what I want to do with my life and how I would want to be remembered when I do leave this place and move onto wherever the powers that be move me onto.

It sounds harsh, but having parted company with the people that I have now since lost contact with actually been beneficial to me. The negative auras they seemed to have around them and those voices they put in my head have long since gone and I've noticed my productivity has increased somewhat.

I've set myself some personal goals and I'm pleased to say that after 4 days into the year, 1 which I didn't think would happen for at least a few months has actually been achieved. And this has been such a boost to my spirit.

One goal which was to continue to look after my health by goin to the gym has been scuppered on account of my ankle's ligaments being ruptured. The only way around it for the next few weeks is to work on my arms and abs until my ankle is strong enough to at least start walking on the treadmill and using the bike. Let's see if they allow me to go to the gym. If not I'll have to do my sit-ups at home and possibly making weights up with things around the house. Yes, I'm an addict I guess but I feel much better inside and out when I'm keeping fit.

Anywhoo I digress. I'm pleased that I've got so many people I can call on for a laugh and to encourage and inspire me daily or those that inspire me to write. My daily texts are appreciated and I in return appreciate them for who they are and what they are about. I was thinking about this the other day and I couldn't put this into words and to a certain extent, I still can't. That in itself shows me that these are the very people that I need around me and I must always strive to be the best I can in order to be there for them when they need me.

As for my goals, I'm not going to go into much detail with them but they do include making more time for me, just to sit and write, read or just go and get pampered with a massage or something like that regularly. Another is to make sure that those around me know that I love them and appreciate them at every chance I can say it. Another is to run for Breakthrough Breast Cancer in Sept, but those details are sketchy until I find out when their event is. This kinda ties in with the fitness goal. There are some personal ones that I have also and funnily enough are being achieved a lot quicker than I realised, but this is boosting me to make more.

Anyway, I'll end this by saying that if you are reading this, I can only hope that you are optimistic about the future and that everything you have in your head or written down as a goal you accomplish and more as our thinking is limited to what we know and that there is so much more out there than we can conceive with our thoughts.

My last wish for you is love, happiness and health for you and for all of those you hold dear for the next year and beyond. Think big and do big, baby!

Much love

Angel x