I survived ...... just

I've had an eventful few weeks, I must say. My 29th birthday which I wasn't going to celebrate due to an inmpending dissertation dealine went well with friends and family breaking bread with me.

The dissertation nearly sending me into meltdown. I finished it and it was submitted earlier than the Friday deadline. Relief and tiredness.

Thinking about a change of job to be able to get my weekends back with my family. Planning holidays abroad to see my friends and to get a break.

Realising the guy I thought was someone I would explore the possibility of chilling with ended up not being that once the smoke cleared.

I even won a few quid on the Lottery and tickets to Kojos Comedy Funhouse, which was a nice evening out. so its been a strange and mixed few weeks a cliched emotional rollercoaster if you will.

The end of this journey was soured by one stupid individual who took it on himself to racially abuse me circa 1972 style yesterday which was more of a surprise than anything. But for some reason, I was steered from lashing back at him. I think the man upstairs must have pulled me away from that as I am usually the first to retaliate.

what I did take away from that though was that I am stronger than I thought. The past few weeks in fact have. I can cope with high pressure situations (albeit I did get really freaked out a few days before hand in) but I survived and it wasnt as bad as I thought at the time. Something I will try and remember when I face my next hurdle which is inevitably round the corner.

Out with the old …. In with the new …. Saying goodbye to 2007 and welcoming in 08

I must say that I'm not a person that's usually into making changes once a year, more as and when things happen so by the time the New Year approaches, I'm already making changes or have implemented them. But this past 12 months have been dismal to say the least. But despite everything that has gone on, I have to say that I'll look back on the year 2007 as one that has shaped my thoughts and how I will approach life generally. All of this is looked on with optimism as well.

I said goodbye to two great people in my life, and have had many decisions taken out of my hands as well as parting company with people. But all of these things have I feel made me have to stand up and think about what I want to do with my life and how I would want to be remembered when I do leave this place and move onto wherever the powers that be move me onto.

It sounds harsh, but having parted company with the people that I have now since lost contact with actually been beneficial to me. The negative auras they seemed to have around them and those voices they put in my head have long since gone and I've noticed my productivity has increased somewhat.

I've set myself some personal goals and I'm pleased to say that after 4 days into the year, 1 which I didn't think would happen for at least a few months has actually been achieved. And this has been such a boost to my spirit.

One goal which was to continue to look after my health by goin to the gym has been scuppered on account of my ankle's ligaments being ruptured. The only way around it for the next few weeks is to work on my arms and abs until my ankle is strong enough to at least start walking on the treadmill and using the bike. Let's see if they allow me to go to the gym. If not I'll have to do my sit-ups at home and possibly making weights up with things around the house. Yes, I'm an addict I guess but I feel much better inside and out when I'm keeping fit.

Anywhoo I digress. I'm pleased that I've got so many people I can call on for a laugh and to encourage and inspire me daily or those that inspire me to write. My daily texts are appreciated and I in return appreciate them for who they are and what they are about. I was thinking about this the other day and I couldn't put this into words and to a certain extent, I still can't. That in itself shows me that these are the very people that I need around me and I must always strive to be the best I can in order to be there for them when they need me.

As for my goals, I'm not going to go into much detail with them but they do include making more time for me, just to sit and write, read or just go and get pampered with a massage or something like that regularly. Another is to make sure that those around me know that I love them and appreciate them at every chance I can say it. Another is to run for Breakthrough Breast Cancer in Sept, but those details are sketchy until I find out when their event is. This kinda ties in with the fitness goal. There are some personal ones that I have also and funnily enough are being achieved a lot quicker than I realised, but this is boosting me to make more.

Anyway, I'll end this by saying that if you are reading this, I can only hope that you are optimistic about the future and that everything you have in your head or written down as a goal you accomplish and more as our thinking is limited to what we know and that there is so much more out there than we can conceive with our thoughts.

My last wish for you is love, happiness and health for you and for all of those you hold dear for the next year and beyond. Think big and do big, baby!

Much love

Angel x

What’s your role?

I was having one of my “I’m not staying on the phone long, Mess” and still finding we are on the phone for an hour conversations last night and Messiah brought up the subject of reasons why people are in your life, and we spoke about the roles your friends have in your life and since coming off the phone to him I came up with a small list some included;

The Advice Giver, The Sponge (taking and taking) The Builder (building up their friends – sometimes to their own detriment) The Belittler – that one was light hearted, but I can safely say I know a few of those I’ve had to cut out my life, The Drama Queen/Only Childer (not always an only child, but they display symptoms of being spoilt and throwing the toys out the pram when things don’t go their way) The Glass Half Empty and The Ray of Sunshine. The last one being my favourite as I can look at quite a few of you and think of you as being this role. Miss Hamilton at the top of that list J

Although I don’t like to put people in boxes as it drives me mad when people do this to me, you do have to wonder and question some friendships you do have. I’ve had to do this most of my life, so it’s no surprise that I’ve recently had to just let go of people. I’m not heartless or anything like that, but with all that’s going on I cannot dedicate every waking moment to people as I’ve not even much time to do me right now. But sometimes just don’t seem to understand this.

All I know, is good or bad I learn from each one, and chalk things down to experience hopefully making me understand why people do what they do when they do it.

Anyway, the list is far from complete and I’d welcome any suggestions/ changes. I’ve put the list below for ease of reading.

What’s your role in life?

• The Advice Giver
• The Sponge
  
• The BuilderThe Drama Queen/Only Childer
• The Glass Half Empty
• The Ray of Sunshine

Melancholy

Melancholy is one of those words that sound like its’ meaning. One of those words that have been buzzing around my head for as long as I’ve been feeling that way.

In fact I can’t remember a day that has gone by where I haven’t felt like that. The usual words of “snap out of it” or “pull yourself together” bandied around like I intentionally want to be this way. If I could be “normal” or turn off whatever is controlling my emotions I would have done so a long time ago, don’t you think?

Yes, I’m crazy. Not the scientific definition by a long shot, but then again; I’m not a scientist. That’s the first time I’ve typed that. I managed to tell a couple of my peeps and that in itself was tough as you are not sure if they’ll react funny, or if you’ll need to comfort them as you tell them, and that is not the time you feel like being there for someone else, as selfish as that sounds. Generally I’m not selfish, in fact I do try my hardest to be there any time a friend needs me to be and sometimes when they don’t. But for once I need to not do that and concentrate on making myself happy. Not that it’s working. But I guess the only thing you can do as they say is to try.

This is so full of clichés, but I guess a cliché is something that is true. And everything I’ve said thus far is the truth. Not much I can do then really, is there? But back onto the crazy thing. I am crazy. Not in the sense of what my friends call me all the time as I’m a bit of a clown. More not wanting to get out of bed, wondering why I’m here on this Earth, not feeling as if I deserve to be here type of crazy. Melancholy. I’ve always loved that word, even before I became crazy, just as it’s one of those words where you know exactly where you stand. No bull shit. Like the word shank which up until a matter of weeks ago, I didn’t even know what it meant. It’s not a nice word, don’t get it twisted, it sounds like it is. Not very nice. I mean before I knew what it meant, I most certainly would not have stuck around had someone came at me saying it.

To a certain extent I still have not fully gotten my head around the whole thing. (yes, I can see the irony in that sentence, I’m depressed; not stupid.) And haven’t even really told anyone, not sure if that’s because of the stigma attached or if it’s the fact I don’t want all the sympathy. I had that before and to be honest it can be more overwhelming than whatever you are going through at that time. Those that do know have been great at knowing when to shake me out of it and when I need to be by myself and that’s not a dig at those that don’t know as I’m sure some of you would also be just as spot on judging my mood etc. I can’t please everyone all the time. Not even sure why I’m writing this at the moment nor sure if it will ever be seen by anyone when I get the urge to write I have to go with the flow as they say or for some reason it bounces around in my head until I do; a bit like that guy in Heroes who paints (minus the heroin thankfully.) My writing has been somewhat a blessing and a curse, but I would not change it as it does help me map out my thoughts and feelings and I can also tell people things I usually couldn’t say out loud. Even if it hasn’t had the desired effect on the person you write to, as has happened to me so many times I’ve given up counting, at least they know what I think so there’s no argument of me not opening up or whatever. For instance, only a matter of days ago I wrote something and gave it someone. They thanked me for the kind words and that was it. I was a little annoyed to say the least as I was expecting a response, but I then had to remember that they are like me in the sense that they won’t outright engage in a conversation of that nature. So I’m currently in the dark. Not a great deal I can do about that. Pissed.

If you are reading this and you have trouble talking, then maybe you should try writing whenever you need to get something out – maybe it could help you too. I hit a really low point and let it consume me for a long time before I got help, all I’ll say to you is if you feel that way not to let it go on for too long, the chance is you have some really good people around you like I have. Don’t be afraid to say something as you don’t have to feel like there’s no hope for you, because there is. Anyway, been gabbing on making not a great of sense for far too long again, so I’m going to quit now. I love y’all very much.