I survived ...... just

I've had an eventful few weeks, I must say. My 29th birthday which I wasn't going to celebrate due to an inmpending dissertation dealine went well with friends and family breaking bread with me.

The dissertation nearly sending me into meltdown. I finished it and it was submitted earlier than the Friday deadline. Relief and tiredness.

Thinking about a change of job to be able to get my weekends back with my family. Planning holidays abroad to see my friends and to get a break.

Realising the guy I thought was someone I would explore the possibility of chilling with ended up not being that once the smoke cleared.

I even won a few quid on the Lottery and tickets to Kojos Comedy Funhouse, which was a nice evening out. so its been a strange and mixed few weeks a cliched emotional rollercoaster if you will.

The end of this journey was soured by one stupid individual who took it on himself to racially abuse me circa 1972 style yesterday which was more of a surprise than anything. But for some reason, I was steered from lashing back at him. I think the man upstairs must have pulled me away from that as I am usually the first to retaliate.

what I did take away from that though was that I am stronger than I thought. The past few weeks in fact have. I can cope with high pressure situations (albeit I did get really freaked out a few days before hand in) but I survived and it wasnt as bad as I thought at the time. Something I will try and remember when I face my next hurdle which is inevitably round the corner.

..... And so the end is near, and I face my final curtain .......

So, the last few weeks in my degree and I really am looking forward to the finish although I really do not think I am passing, and if I do - the classification isn't going to be a decent one.

Have had the most stress to deal with at home which has basically impacted on any work I have done. I am one for staying positive, but I am also one for keeping it real as it were. That being said, I now want to grab whatever they give me and run the hell out of that flipping building.

What's in store for me when I do leave? Well, job hunting as we speak for a Mon to Fri as I cannot do weekends anymore where I am, I have neglected lil man for ages, and am spending most of my weekend dropping him off so I can work and then not seeing much of him during the week as I'm either at uni or work, picking him and only having two hours before bed.

It's difficult to really explain, but by me trying to improve our life, it has in a way made our life worse, and I only want this to be a temporary measure rather than a permanent one.

The personal life has been somewhat of a joke of late also. I'm guessing my choice of people is the main reason. Those charismatic men always seem to come with some sort of baggage, or aren't good with the commitment thing; bullshit like "I'm not ready" when they need to come correct with "I wanna f*ck every girl I can without getting caught, do you want in? Oh, but don't tell anyone." I'm guessing these aren't the right people I need to be around. Karma is a bitch though, I just hope I get to see when she does knock on their door.

Many changes and transitions in 2009, with many more to come, but as always I will get what I need to achieved, even if it means a change in direction. My writing is coming on and will be back on my photography soon so I can't wait for that. Creativity is my drive and helps keep me [relatively] sane out here.

As I approach my 29th birthday, I am actually looking forward to it. I don't want to be in my early 20s again I think until you get to 25+ you don't quite get what I mean when I say that you're comfortable in your skin, you don't look for the approval of others so much (I can hear people shouting at me - wait 'til you hit 25, it's a different level) and you have put down a layer on top of those foundations you put down at 20/21 to get your life, career and self into a place you want to be in.

Regardless of if I do pass (or not) I know that I did the best I could with the circumstances I am/was in. I wasn't out every night and I have to put my family first. I will take shit on the chin and get on and still achieve what I want to.

Bratz, tweenagers, Jordan and g-strings. Not a good look!

I've been compelled to write this blog after speaking to my big brother David and from a debate that arose because of it.

After a bitter battle in the courts between the makers of Bratz and Mattel (who own and make Barbie their rival) it was ruled that the designer of Brats worked for Mattel at the time, so the ownership is with Mattel. Because of this, they have been taken off the shelves.

As Dave said, Bratz outsold Barbie for a number of years, so it was sour grapes.

To me, it is a good thing that they have been taken off the shelves and there is debate surrounding this as I personally think that these dolls aren't something I'd buy for my friends children, nor do I think they're necessarily a positive thing.

I understand they promote a positive message in terms of young girls/women being independent and forward thinking. No problem with this. My problem is with the way that because of the dress code of the characters and those of similar characters and public figures it is acceptable to put young girls as young as three in mini skirts and knee high boots with heels (not the ugg style boot, I mean the ones with heels)

I also do NOT agree with things like g-strings for children, provocative slogans on t-shirts on the bottom are aof trousers and skirts and things of this nature.

Our young women have enough forces out there that force them to grow up quicker, become sexual objects and such like all to early without making it worse by dressing a 3/4/5 year old child in a mini skirt, a t-shirt with 'sexy' on and her strutting around like a Pussycat Doll in knee high heeled boots. Am I missing something? Shouldn't children be children? Shouldn't they been seen as children and not sexy? Don't we have enough problems with paedophiles trying to groom our children without advertising them?

My other peeve today is the role model debate. I believe that as parents we need to be the most influential people in our childrens' lives and be their main role model. Of course people in the public eye are automatically seen as role models also, but if we provide our kids with a proper attitude, the likes of Kate Moss snorting cocaine and subsequently envigorating her lagging career off the back of it would then not be put on pedestals.

People are quick to blame teenage parents, but as I've seen myself and through people around me, it's not necessarily a teenage parent; more wotless parents that do not care about their children or have parenting skills in order to bring their children up to be decent people. As a person who was pregnant at 19 and had my son at 20 so are sometimes labelled a teenage parent I take great offence to the generalisations that are branded about. I do not pretend to be the best mother in the Worl, but damnit I am trying.

Just from having family working in the care system and friends who have gone through the system or know of people that have, it is down to unwanted pregnancies and social factors such as poverty, drugs, alcohol that are the causes for children growing up without love and affection.

Yes, we should be instilling confidence in our young women so that they grow up with less hang ups about their bodies and love themselves, but there is a thin line between being a confident girl and an object of deisre for the opposite sex.

What’s your role?

I was having one of my “I’m not staying on the phone long, Mess” and still finding we are on the phone for an hour conversations last night and Messiah brought up the subject of reasons why people are in your life, and we spoke about the roles your friends have in your life and since coming off the phone to him I came up with a small list some included;

The Advice Giver, The Sponge (taking and taking) The Builder (building up their friends – sometimes to their own detriment) The Belittler – that one was light hearted, but I can safely say I know a few of those I’ve had to cut out my life, The Drama Queen/Only Childer (not always an only child, but they display symptoms of being spoilt and throwing the toys out the pram when things don’t go their way) The Glass Half Empty and The Ray of Sunshine. The last one being my favourite as I can look at quite a few of you and think of you as being this role. Miss Hamilton at the top of that list J

Although I don’t like to put people in boxes as it drives me mad when people do this to me, you do have to wonder and question some friendships you do have. I’ve had to do this most of my life, so it’s no surprise that I’ve recently had to just let go of people. I’m not heartless or anything like that, but with all that’s going on I cannot dedicate every waking moment to people as I’ve not even much time to do me right now. But sometimes just don’t seem to understand this.

All I know, is good or bad I learn from each one, and chalk things down to experience hopefully making me understand why people do what they do when they do it.

Anyway, the list is far from complete and I’d welcome any suggestions/ changes. I’ve put the list below for ease of reading.

What’s your role in life?

• The Advice Giver
• The Sponge
  
• The BuilderThe Drama Queen/Only Childer
• The Glass Half Empty
• The Ray of Sunshine