Melancholy

Melancholy is one of those words that sound like its’ meaning. One of those words that have been buzzing around my head for as long as I’ve been feeling that way.

In fact I can’t remember a day that has gone by where I haven’t felt like that. The usual words of “snap out of it” or “pull yourself together” bandied around like I intentionally want to be this way. If I could be “normal” or turn off whatever is controlling my emotions I would have done so a long time ago, don’t you think?

Yes, I’m crazy. Not the scientific definition by a long shot, but then again; I’m not a scientist. That’s the first time I’ve typed that. I managed to tell a couple of my peeps and that in itself was tough as you are not sure if they’ll react funny, or if you’ll need to comfort them as you tell them, and that is not the time you feel like being there for someone else, as selfish as that sounds. Generally I’m not selfish, in fact I do try my hardest to be there any time a friend needs me to be and sometimes when they don’t. But for once I need to not do that and concentrate on making myself happy. Not that it’s working. But I guess the only thing you can do as they say is to try.

This is so full of clichés, but I guess a cliché is something that is true. And everything I’ve said thus far is the truth. Not much I can do then really, is there? But back onto the crazy thing. I am crazy. Not in the sense of what my friends call me all the time as I’m a bit of a clown. More not wanting to get out of bed, wondering why I’m here on this Earth, not feeling as if I deserve to be here type of crazy. Melancholy. I’ve always loved that word, even before I became crazy, just as it’s one of those words where you know exactly where you stand. No bull shit. Like the word shank which up until a matter of weeks ago, I didn’t even know what it meant. It’s not a nice word, don’t get it twisted, it sounds like it is. Not very nice. I mean before I knew what it meant, I most certainly would not have stuck around had someone came at me saying it.

To a certain extent I still have not fully gotten my head around the whole thing. (yes, I can see the irony in that sentence, I’m depressed; not stupid.) And haven’t even really told anyone, not sure if that’s because of the stigma attached or if it’s the fact I don’t want all the sympathy. I had that before and to be honest it can be more overwhelming than whatever you are going through at that time. Those that do know have been great at knowing when to shake me out of it and when I need to be by myself and that’s not a dig at those that don’t know as I’m sure some of you would also be just as spot on judging my mood etc. I can’t please everyone all the time. Not even sure why I’m writing this at the moment nor sure if it will ever be seen by anyone when I get the urge to write I have to go with the flow as they say or for some reason it bounces around in my head until I do; a bit like that guy in Heroes who paints (minus the heroin thankfully.) My writing has been somewhat a blessing and a curse, but I would not change it as it does help me map out my thoughts and feelings and I can also tell people things I usually couldn’t say out loud. Even if it hasn’t had the desired effect on the person you write to, as has happened to me so many times I’ve given up counting, at least they know what I think so there’s no argument of me not opening up or whatever. For instance, only a matter of days ago I wrote something and gave it someone. They thanked me for the kind words and that was it. I was a little annoyed to say the least as I was expecting a response, but I then had to remember that they are like me in the sense that they won’t outright engage in a conversation of that nature. So I’m currently in the dark. Not a great deal I can do about that. Pissed.

If you are reading this and you have trouble talking, then maybe you should try writing whenever you need to get something out – maybe it could help you too. I hit a really low point and let it consume me for a long time before I got help, all I’ll say to you is if you feel that way not to let it go on for too long, the chance is you have some really good people around you like I have. Don’t be afraid to say something as you don’t have to feel like there’s no hope for you, because there is. Anyway, been gabbing on making not a great of sense for far too long again, so I’m going to quit now. I love y’all very much.